PENSIVE ME

Random Thoughts Of A Conflicted Mind

2010-12-26T19:26:00.004+05:30

This is not a poem composed by me...rather it is the first poem someone has ever written for me, about me....I am so honoured. The poem is just pure feelings..and i love it! (I have not altered a thing in the poem.)

Ek pyara sa ehsaas ho tum,
Har pal mere paas ho tum,
Jeene ki ek aas ho tum,
Mann ka vishwas ho tum…..
Shaad isiliye kuch khaas ho tum.

Badi gehrai se chaha hai tumko,
Badi duaon se paya hai tumko;
Tumhe bhulane ki sochun bhi toh kaise,
Kismat ki lakidon se churaya tha tumko.

Khush raho tum hamesha,
Yahi meri chaahat hai;
Tum meri nahi ho toh kya hua?
Mera dil toh ab tumhara hai…..

Main nahi jaanta bhagwaan hota hai ya nahi,
Par roz khuda se yahi dua karta hoon, ki
Har janam mein mujhe tumse hi pyaar ho,
Chhahe tum meri ho ya nahi.

Apne khwahishon ka gala main kab ka ghot chhuka hoon,
Tumhari khushi hi meri khushi hai, aur tumhare gham mere;
Par phir yeh kambakht khudgarz dil kyun sacchai nahi hai maan leta?
Kyun yeh abhi bhi tum mein ek ummeed ki kiran hai dekh leta?

Shayad is nadaan dil ko yeh kabhi na samjha paun,
Ki ummeed aur khwahishen hai buri bala;
Par samjhane ki koshish karoon bhi toh kaise? Aur kyun?
Aakhir tumhare bina mere jeene ki koi wajah hai bhala?

Every morning you come to wake me up with that cheerful smile and a heavenly kiss,
And every morning I would find myself with you in eternal bliss;
But then everything becomes clear and reality would hit upon me hard ---
Like a choke sermon, it would suck the life out of me quite fast.

A tryst with destiny I have now made,
To protect you from ugliness I pledge;
I may not always succeed in putting a smile on your lips,
But I promise I’ll no more be the reason for a single tear running down your cheeks.

I hear your voice in a mosquito’s ‘zing’,
I see your face in the girl last passed by walking;
The warmth of your hands I can imagine feeling, holding,
Your silhouette my mind carves out dreaming…..

But though these feelings keep me going,
Although these I can live feeding on and breathing,
I dread the day we meet in person,
‘Coz the selfish me will get awakened, I fear, which I’m so carefully dominating.

This is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before,
Why is it so different with you?
When all my life being surrounded by people I’ve been alone,
Why do I want to be with only you?

Why can’t I be mad at you?
Why can’t I be at ease when you don’t call, saying you’re OK?
Why can’t I do away with the abstract fallacy ---
The fake world that I’ve created for me?

Why do I feel responsible for you?
Why do I have worries about you?
Why do I fear the evils haunting you?
Knowing that you can’t be mine, why do I care for you?

Why can’t I sleep when you keep unwell?
Why can’t I resist but hope those hopes when you wake me up at daybreak?
Why do I feel bad when your parents don’t understand you?
Why do I miss you when I’m happy and fortunate?

All I know is, we did not meet for no reason….
And if reason be the path to tread upon,
Then I don’t want to be its architect;
Passionately, inconsequentially, I shall march on.

And lo! You call me the next day,
Saying “I am here”, for us to meet;
And all I could think of was,
The big day had arrived for me to greet.

Didn’t get the time to think,
Not that I wanted that time;
Summoning all my strength I hastily rode on,
As time seemed to fly fast by.

After the initial humdrum of the place,
That seemed like a courtroom trial had just begun,
I, for the first time, lay my eyes on my angel,
There she stood, my arrival at the corridor in her mind in oblivion.

So there I stood, looking at her from the safe distance that I was,
Stopping my heart for a moment, like it wanted to live in that blissful moment forever;
Then you disappeared into the room, and I called to say that I was there,
And waving her hand, my angel stood face to face with me……..so far, yet so near.

After that I know not what happened,
We talked, we laughed, we walked, we held hands;
Like a candle in the wind, nervousness so easily gave way,
As if it knew no more of its moronic existence.

And so it ended, the reality that was infinitely more beautiful than I’d dreamed,
Time still being in a frenzy, not aware of when to start flowing again;
And then it rained, begging me to imbibe in me that sense of destiny divine,
That I had so long, so meticulously, wanted to throw away, and sanity, gain.

Well, time seems to know its ways of shifting back to normalness,
‘Coz time had again started to, and indeed is, passing by;
But this time with me able to subdue feelings that had been rendered hopeless,
Maybe it was a well organized combination of mental epilates, but one that lets me survive by.

Don’t know how long subdued I can keep these thoughts,
Pandemonium, I know, is restless to thrive again;
I only hope I have in me strength enough to make her see,
The masquerade of happiness that I’ll have put on again.

Now when I look back at things, I can only wish,
For you to have not cared for me so much;
Maybe then things wouldn’t have been as tough,
Perhaps I could have gotten over you as such.

But angels can grant human wishes only so much,
Knowing which, I can only pray to be able to help myself;
‘Coz it was because of you that I now have an idea of what love is,
And I can’t see how I can keep your thoughts far from myself.

Well, I guess it’s over now,
Or at least it should be;
You’re going to a new place, leaving,
With a new beginning to make for me.

I shall try to make things easier for me now,
Guess “The Only Thing Constant Is Change” is true;
So, knowing that I’m a changed man now,
Guess I’ll find a reason to continue through.

Got to think, I should be able to get over you, and someday,
These “Random Thoughts Of A Conflicted Mind“ will end too;
But for now, let me bathe in this sea of nostalgia,
And liberate my mind from thoughts reminiscent of you.

All of these are entering my mind at once,
Those countless little shockwaves you produced within me;
The mutual “happiness is for you” talks that we had,
And those tears that you shed with me.

Your waking me up that morning, intoxicating as it was,
And your persuasion in another for me to go see the doc early;
And then, there’s the day, the moment, that we met ,
And how your smile always used to make my day so easily.

Holding your hands, ruffling your hair,
Hearing your voice, breathing your breath;
Walking with you, looking at you,
Accepting your gift, and bidding goodbye…....

All of these I recall now, happily….lovingly,
Hoping they never can hurt me again;
For, this thing that we had together,
Its got to be for something good, says my faith again.

So, I guess that’s it…..adieu, my anjo incomum,
Be happy in your new life, that’s what I’ve always wanted;
Hope you find solutions to all your difficulties and problems,
So you’d never have to run away, which you fear is for you fate granted.

It’s been a long time now, but nothing has changed…
Penning these thoughts down, randomly as they come,
I thought could one day stop me from thinking about you;
But instead it has left me mortgaged, just as I had become.

Can’t run, can’t hide, can’t breathe, can’t die,
Oh God! Why did I ignore, I was falling into this shit?
No motive, no anger, no elation, no regret….
Why can’t I now even choose for myself to not exist?

Devoid of any feeling, devoid of a sense of purpose,
I don’t know what I end up doing in the days to come;
Maybe this storm decides to shun down on hopeless me,
Or maybe it doesn’t, and I’ll get to my end, myself done.

Tonight, it feels so cold, so scary, so clueless,
Yet I feel a kind of ecstasy, I know I should not;
Something’s urging quarantined thoughts to brim up again,
Is time devising a new order of events, I can’t help but to hope not.

(image used in the post is same as the one attached by the person who has written the poem).
Copyright © 2010

(untitled)

2010-05-07T21:16:00.002+05:30

I pour binaries into this cauldron of life
Dissolve: to give birth to you again
Fashion a new self, a new other.
Angel, affirm my stand on this now.
Let Purgatory allow me ticket.
For I need to pass: there stands my model:
Now so dead. She waves, she calls.
(Pity me! She’s now just a shade among shades)
Ah! She recognizes me… why, of course,
She does. She knows me. But halt!
No, that she knew me. Nostalgia,
A vague vision is not enough to identify.
Will she melt into me again?
Is that possible now?
Pray insulate her. Save her for me:
That what is left of her.
I wish to replicate, if not absorb.
A brief tryst is all I desire
To recollect all that I still remember.
Quarter a score and I gave her up ever more.
As I vie for a second chance now
I should like her to return… changed?

Copyright © 2010 Bhaswati

Image Courtesy of photobucket.com (Google Images)

PAST, PAIN & FUTURE (part-3)

2009-11-22T13:46:00.007+05:30

(Here is the third part of the poem. I request the readers to again read the first and second part before reading this third portion. It will help you understand the poem better.)

But,
I question myself; Am I not
Happy? I must confess
After all that is what I sought.
Why regret now for the lost?
The past? This Sisyphean pain
Is the unavoidable cost
I have to pay for choice. I for certain
Want to accept it. But something
Stops me. A human, I’m liable to
Selfishness. Those sweet nothings
I miss, I say do.
Familiarity of the past behind
And ahead is mystery of the future.
In the middle temptation I find;
My mind left unsure.
So much confused. Should I
Believe the new promises made?
And forget my vows, falsify
Old words. Pretending to be unafraid?
Who now has the power to show me
The path I need to tread?
Whom do I trust?

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

Image Courtesy of antoniodiaz.jalbum.net (Google Images)

SHE NEEDS YOU

2009-09-28T23:59:00.011+05:30

Published in Mahishamardini vol 11 year 2009 (Annual magazine published by Gauhati University Campus Puja Committee)
I
The poignant spectacle producing much,
No... Not much of a difference to you
Not too far yet not too close you wander,
Drift away from the answer: the life,
The universal, the particular.
You imagine, you know, but still fall prey;
Your power of eloquence lies in wait.
But, why just you? am i not equally culpable?
While long queues of questions are hurled our way,
We refuse: to even bother about
Her: she searches for an aid she deserves...
That panacea... that balance...
Eureka!!! Not I.
Have you? We have to. This is not the way
She wants to die. An ignoble death.
Now she hangs by the hair.
Now, have you killed her?
We: a generation of Hollow Men;
We are not indifferent: we are conscious.

II
She Gave you the fields: you built the cities:
She gave you haven, you said you have better;
Creating Caesars ceaselessly...
And those stations of varieties.
As you created this deplorably fake evolution...
Which gives us nothing (while you expected everything)
Nothing, save incessant loneliness.
What did we gain by losing her?
'She never did betray'
Then did you even start it? This
Annihilation, gulping us gradually?
What more did your insatiable greed want?

III
Now as we try to get closer, she moves away.
Because that is not the kind of proximity she wants.
She ants to remain a known mystery.
Why didn't you understand that?
Why don't we appreciate this?
So appeals a few who cares. Why not listen?
It is never too late;
Dum vivimus, vivimas.

PAST, PAIN & FUTURE (part 2)

2009-07-10T10:26:00.007+05:30

(Here is the second part of the poem. I request the readers to again read the first part before reading this second portion. It will help you understand the poem better.)

I decided never to look back. I forswore.
Sure no one can ever sway
me. We will sunder, I never thought
But circumstances deterred me.
I cannot trenchantly say what
I want times to be
And what my retentive mind sighs for.
Unknowingly exacerbating my pains.
All these voices: I abhor
them. They make vain
all my attempts to assuage.
I know their care as genuine, still
I want to be alone as my pains I gauge
And for future make my mind tranquil.
They force me realize my mistake
That I am the one deserving blame.
They say I’m craven and I fake
My feelings insomuch that I am
trying to run from verity, and
That I am fooling myself so.
Pretending to be satisfied, and to defend
my decision. I force myself to show
I’m happy (They’re so true, yes)

to be contd..

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

PAST, PAIN & FUTURE (part 1)

2009-07-06T11:18:00.007+05:30

(Here is only a part of the poem)

As the thought comes across
my pensive mind; intuition fails me
Sliding down to blindness; a sense of loss;
Deary isolation kills me.
Grabbed by a real challenge.
Is recollection of the past
a real help? When winds of change
wanting in life so to blow away the dust?
Life hard upon me this moment
Thoughts are measureless, but
reality is not, I understand:
From the world I not shut.
I see a new day coming.
Then why do I crave still
for the bygone? Trying
to cover the only journey impossible
(retreat to yesterday?)
Vainly trying to clasp water
in my fist; cherished fond memories:
Aim at holding on to them forever?
And hover around reality and dreams?
Reconciliation possible no more
Though my feelings are extant even today.

to be contd..

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

(image used in the post was sent by a very good friend.)

MY MISTAKE

2009-06-28T14:23:00.008+05:30

‘I rove…languid, dozy
This forenoon.
On the deserted brae
As I versify my feelings.
Not a place to go,
No zest,
Futile is time,
Yet more vain is I.
Malaise, grip me not!!
A complete defeat…
Flicking through I see
Hopes to vanquish
Dead to the hilt
Am I culpable? Inasmuch as
Fain I had done so?
But understand,
I was besotted..
Impelled indeed,
Wheedling I couldn’t shun
(I’m not a Utopian, after all)
Unknown to reality
None to forbid
How I rue today!!
I cajole myself
Anon I shall forego
Betake my own way
Repose in happiness.
Prove wrong your world.
I hope it is venial’, said she,
‘My mistake.’

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

NEVER TO RETURN

2009-06-24T18:25:00.003+05:30

Verily for too short a time
Here are we. In this
World so artificial.
Trying to cater for attaining
Bliss heavenly.
Never too certain of the ways.
Comes a day when we want
To move downstream
Or else, better,
Leave this all behind us;
Too tired to move,
Verve left no more.
With vacuous face returning home
Of the days’ hard work, so weary.
(Such happy but still)
None knows for sure
Beyond the veil what lays
But still we know
For all our deeds, there
He pays. Us or we?
We are starkly sure,
True peace there we’ll learn
And want to pass the valve
Never to return.

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

A Godsent Blessing

2009-06-19T18:43:00.008+05:30

Woven with a thin thread of trust,
Filling the lacuna of the lonely heart,
Sea of elation it endows
And supplants sadness with joys.
Solves the enigma of grief.
Opens the crest of happiness buried
At the core of the ocean of loneliness.
Hidden treasures it unveils.
Fulfills the paramount needs.
Wants scattered all over are brought
Within the loop of fulfillment
Rectifies all congestion
Transcends selflessness for,
Caring not for what ensues.
Is driven by the unique ideal
To give joys and share sorrows
Does all tacitly for.
Readily cries for a smile to receive.
For, smilingly dies.

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

Image Courtesy of www.virungaart.com (Google Images)

AFFIRMATION

2009-06-17T21:23:00.005+05:30

You used to sit there at the dinette
Expecting her to do all the tedious jobs.
Was she so opaque? Or was it that
You were too blind to see her sobs?
With a vacuous face you looked at her.
She was like a Lilliputian to you:
Any precious job unable to shoulder.
But she wanted; and desire in her grew.
New facet of her you started to see.
You shuddered. You looked at her new
And inexhaustible mine of energy.
It looked fictitious to you.
Not just a second wind that
Life has sent her way.
All her aspirations now dawned on her
And she too today holds sway.
There emerged a new hope from the dark;
Set between history and mystery;
The old though not eclipsed, but
It was surely a novelty.
It was so untoward that you tried
To mock her in the crowd.
Your certitudes crushed completely.
But you too had to accept the change.
Making a space for herself now
In a world you once ruled.
And wishes gravitating to her
And sure that she will succeed
To one day receive her due.

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

Paean

2009-06-13T11:55:00.004+05:30

Sitting pensively here,
Looking up to the solitary altar,
I can feel the pertinent aroma:
The time so pacific..so serene;
Teem with godsent tranquility.
Much intrinsic to the place
Seems to perfume the aura.
I offer you my reverence-
To the lone which bestows
Palpable calmness easing all fears,
Tarnishing doubts from mind.
Acting as a nova in this somber existence.
Offering placidity to lives.
Adorning feelings with goodness.
I savour the realm of innate peace here,
Endowing me with all I desire.
The satisfaction pulls me hither incessantly.
As though under some magic charm
I cannot ever shun the calls.
So I’m here again today.
Too poor to offer anything,
I extend this ode….

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati

At A Loss

2009-06-12T23:57:00.002+05:30

In the realm of deprivation
Seems to run in perpetuity-this isolation.
Pivotal questions but unknown remain
O’er the zenith drawing curtain.
Nature herself seems to pall
Leaving not any to answer her call.
Lost on this secluded chime
As though stealing the breath of time.
Clarity lays alone accepting rout
Blocking each way is array of doubts.
O’er the crystalline winning fray
The cerulean waters now turning grey.
All the flowers henceforth pale
The umbel is now so very stale.
Freshness being arrested
Proud rust shall reign for time unbounded.
None to vide the now wistful face
Until then timeless thereupon showing age.
Attractive really it was of yore
But today none can it forsooth lure.
This vapid life of a loser
Naught left at all to infer.
On the huge world hence lone
The foregone conclusion so well known.
But when you’ve reached so near
It becomes really very difficult to veer.

Copyright © 2009 Bhaswati